I have unearthed a frightening conspiracy and I need to tell someone before they get to me. A devious plot to drive the sales of Lucky Charms is in effect, and the whole world is in danger of inefficient spending!
My research has been limited to two boxes, but I believe they indicate a startling trend--a manipulation of the taste buds of American consumers for evil corporate profit! Here, brothers and sisters, is the essence of their foul scheme:
All the marshmallows are at the top.
Can you believe this, people of reason? General Mills is forcing the magically delicious to the top of the box so that, before you are aware, you are left with half a box of oat hunks. Magically oaty blandness--healthy in theory, but useless in reality! Where have the properly equilibriated boxes of goodness gone? They were fine until a month ago!
This must stop! We need uniform marshmallow distribution now, or this will become a debacle on par with the reformulation of Cookie Crisp!
I may not make it out alive, but I know the plight of the world has been heard by the three of you.
Godspeed.
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3 comments:
Do NOT let your voice go unheard, Brother!
Call the General Mills customer service line at 1-800-328-1144 and let them know you're on to their scheme.
Rest assured, in the mean time, no Lucky Charms for me.
Hang tough.
Lucky Charms? Cookie Crisp? Who eats these cereals?
Dennis, I don't even know where to begin. Do you sit on a rocking chair on your porch and yell at kids to get off the dang lawn? The Dennis I knew wasn't a decrepit old man with no joy left in his life.
Who eats these cereals? I do. (except for Cookie Crisp after they messed it up.)
Who eats these cereals? People who enjoy the finer things. People who say, "hey, I'd like a little awesome with that milk."
You trouble me, man--enjoy your Wholesome Bran Chuds or whatever.
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