Jordan's wedding

So, Jordan and Sam got married this weekend. It was a really nice wedding, and I had the somewhat terrifying honor of being the best man. I got to (had to?) give a toast at the reception and I'm glad I did, because it was a great way to tell a lot of people who'd never met Jordan what kind of guy he is. Plus, it went over about a billion times better than I thought it would.

I memorized the thing and did pretty well at getting it right, but you know how those things work. A couple people have asked me for the text of the toast, so here it is--the toast in the ideal form, before I left stuff out and ad-libbed mediocre best man jokes:

Hi, everybody. For those who don’t know me, my name is Zach Parker and I’ll be your reluctant public speaker for the evening. I’ve been acquainted with Jordan since sixth grade, but I didn’t really get to know him until high school. It wasn’t until then that the depth of Jordan’s uniqueness truly became apparent and I discovered what makes Jordan who he is.

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine Jordan and myself, nine years younger. Two dashing young men, sitting in the band classroom at DeKalb High School, alto saxophones at the ready. Imagine, if you will, Jordan turning towards me with a crafty gleam in his eyes.

“I’m going to build a submarine.”

I start to laugh, because this is before I found out that, most of the time when Jordan says these things, he really means them. I stop laughing when I see he’s serious and ask him how he plans on doing that.

With a completely straight face he says, “by welding two metal canoes together.”

He does this sort of thing a lot.

As soon as I stopped having nightmares about Jordan drowning on the bottom of the lagoon, I started to realize that Jordan was the kind of weird I could get along with pretty easily, and we’ve been friends ever since. Being friends with Jordan tends to invite adventures; we’ve been local rock stars, eaten about a thousand Wendy’s quarter pound double stacks, and one time, we came pretty close to rolling a 15-passenger van. If I’m not mistaken, Jordan also holds a Guiness Book of World Records entry for largest belt buckle in the northern hemisphere and he’s the only person I’ve ever met who has dislocated his shoulder while dancing.

Nowadays, he still likes to talk about things he’s building and the inventions that are bouncing around in his brain. Whether he’s telling someone about the newest indecipherable gadgets he’s designing at work, his forays into the mysterious world of corn combustion, or how he’s going to revolutionize the automobile industry, he’s never more in his element than when he’s talking about his projects.

Beginning in October of 2004, however, the topics of conversation changed. More and more, Jordan talked to anyone who would listen about a wonderful young woman he’d met. Jordan’s always been passionate and animated when discussing his inventions, but it didn’t take long for him to discuss Sam with the same enthusiasm. How he found the time to meet her with his schedule is a mystery I’m not sure will ever be solved.

Now, I’m sure there was a collective groan from the single females of the greater DeKalb-Sycamore area when Jordan and Sam started dating. Not because he was dating Sam, but because he was, at long last, unavailable. Ladies, he is most definitely off the market, but I happen to know a handsome, extremely available guy who is giving a speech right now. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be here tonight.

Right from the beginning, Sam seemed to be a great match for Jordan; a genius biologist with the patience of a saint, a beautiful woman who not only laughed at all Jordan’s jokes but could also stand hanging out with his friends? She’s truly one of a kind. I remember riding in Jordan’s car and seeing Sam’s license plate for the first time; when I saw that she had a ham radio operator plate, something just clicked. I leaned over to Jordan and said, “dude, she’s perfect for you.” One of the things I’ve enjoyed about Jordan and Sam as a couple is watching how relaxed they are around each other and how easily they amuse one another. It’s truly been a blessing to watch them grow closer together, and for me to be able to call Sam a friend in the process is icing on the cake.

So, to Jordan, the lifelong builder, and to Sam, his lovely bride, I leave you with this: May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. I’m confident that you two will continue to bless those around you with your love, talents and generosity and that together, your joy will overflow onto everyone you meet. Thank you, Sam, for making Jordan so happy, thank you both for your friendship and thank you for all the laughter.

So that was it. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Gladden.