This is old news, but...

I just remembered that the next Die Hard movie is going to be called Live Free or Die Hard (link).

Seriously?

Granted, this is from the minds that brought us Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Die Hard: With a Vengeance, but this new name sounds like a Steven Seagal movie. I wonder if anyone at the production company (or whoever names these things) actually thinks this name sounds cool. Every time I hear it, I think of Steven Seagal running, which is very laughsome.

And speaking of Seagal, since everyone has stopped paying attention to him, he's gotten prolific. Dude made 10 movies in the 90s, and in the (nearly) 7 years this decade, he's made 15 (with 4 more in production right now). Seven of those are straight to video, which goes along with nobody paying attention to him, but 15 movies? That's nuts. How does he keep getting funding for these?

This is brilliant.

How awesome is that?

haha

You snooze, you lose
Well, I have snost and lost.

-Mike Doughty, "I Hear the Bells"

hey kid, got a present for ya

Here's a new template for Zach's blog. Don't spend it all in one place.

(the new look has been brought to you by Gecko & Fly.)

Jordan's wedding

So, Jordan and Sam got married this weekend. It was a really nice wedding, and I had the somewhat terrifying honor of being the best man. I got to (had to?) give a toast at the reception and I'm glad I did, because it was a great way to tell a lot of people who'd never met Jordan what kind of guy he is. Plus, it went over about a billion times better than I thought it would.

I memorized the thing and did pretty well at getting it right, but you know how those things work. A couple people have asked me for the text of the toast, so here it is--the toast in the ideal form, before I left stuff out and ad-libbed mediocre best man jokes:

Hi, everybody. For those who don’t know me, my name is Zach Parker and I’ll be your reluctant public speaker for the evening. I’ve been acquainted with Jordan since sixth grade, but I didn’t really get to know him until high school. It wasn’t until then that the depth of Jordan’s uniqueness truly became apparent and I discovered what makes Jordan who he is.

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine Jordan and myself, nine years younger. Two dashing young men, sitting in the band classroom at DeKalb High School, alto saxophones at the ready. Imagine, if you will, Jordan turning towards me with a crafty gleam in his eyes.

“I’m going to build a submarine.”

I start to laugh, because this is before I found out that, most of the time when Jordan says these things, he really means them. I stop laughing when I see he’s serious and ask him how he plans on doing that.

With a completely straight face he says, “by welding two metal canoes together.”

He does this sort of thing a lot.

As soon as I stopped having nightmares about Jordan drowning on the bottom of the lagoon, I started to realize that Jordan was the kind of weird I could get along with pretty easily, and we’ve been friends ever since. Being friends with Jordan tends to invite adventures; we’ve been local rock stars, eaten about a thousand Wendy’s quarter pound double stacks, and one time, we came pretty close to rolling a 15-passenger van. If I’m not mistaken, Jordan also holds a Guiness Book of World Records entry for largest belt buckle in the northern hemisphere and he’s the only person I’ve ever met who has dislocated his shoulder while dancing.

Nowadays, he still likes to talk about things he’s building and the inventions that are bouncing around in his brain. Whether he’s telling someone about the newest indecipherable gadgets he’s designing at work, his forays into the mysterious world of corn combustion, or how he’s going to revolutionize the automobile industry, he’s never more in his element than when he’s talking about his projects.

Beginning in October of 2004, however, the topics of conversation changed. More and more, Jordan talked to anyone who would listen about a wonderful young woman he’d met. Jordan’s always been passionate and animated when discussing his inventions, but it didn’t take long for him to discuss Sam with the same enthusiasm. How he found the time to meet her with his schedule is a mystery I’m not sure will ever be solved.

Now, I’m sure there was a collective groan from the single females of the greater DeKalb-Sycamore area when Jordan and Sam started dating. Not because he was dating Sam, but because he was, at long last, unavailable. Ladies, he is most definitely off the market, but I happen to know a handsome, extremely available guy who is giving a speech right now. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be here tonight.

Right from the beginning, Sam seemed to be a great match for Jordan; a genius biologist with the patience of a saint, a beautiful woman who not only laughed at all Jordan’s jokes but could also stand hanging out with his friends? She’s truly one of a kind. I remember riding in Jordan’s car and seeing Sam’s license plate for the first time; when I saw that she had a ham radio operator plate, something just clicked. I leaned over to Jordan and said, “dude, she’s perfect for you.” One of the things I’ve enjoyed about Jordan and Sam as a couple is watching how relaxed they are around each other and how easily they amuse one another. It’s truly been a blessing to watch them grow closer together, and for me to be able to call Sam a friend in the process is icing on the cake.

So, to Jordan, the lifelong builder, and to Sam, his lovely bride, I leave you with this: May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. I’m confident that you two will continue to bless those around you with your love, talents and generosity and that together, your joy will overflow onto everyone you meet. Thank you, Sam, for making Jordan so happy, thank you both for your friendship and thank you for all the laughter.

So that was it. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Gladden.

A Mystery Explained!

I've always wondered why I can hear a TV when it's on, whether there's any volume or not--there's this high-frequency noise they emit that very few people I've talked to can hear, and it drives me nuts. So I was reading the comments for a Slashdot article and discovered this:

It's the flyback transformer in your set making that noise - a very loud 15.75 KHz tone. I'm almost 40 years old and haven't taken real good care of my hearing, and it still bugs the hell out of me. One solution to the noise problem is to get a non-CRT television set (plasma, LCD, DLP, etc.).

Interesting stuff. I have no idea what a flyback transformer is, but I guess this is just another reason to justify the eventual purchase of a ridiculous television. (yay)

Regarding entertainment

I feel like it's been a really long time since I've loved a movie I've seen at the theater. In fact, since Serenity in September '05, I've seen 23 films in the theater and nothing's come close to my enjoyment of that gem. This is probably just because I'm a nerd, but what are you going to do? I've seen a lot of decent flicks, but here's a list in chronological order:

A History of Violence - Well, it's violent. I guess it's supposed to be an examination of the effects of violence on the people around us, and the potential of violent acts to be seen as heroic. Pretty brutal, and other than being shocking, a little un-pointed.
Recommended? It really depends, but probably not.

Domino - No. Just... no. Tony Scott, why have you forsaken me?
Recommended? No. Just... no.

The Weather Man - Hey, a movie about a screw-up screwing up! It's a pretty dismal semi-comedy, but as I recall, I enjoyed it.
Recommended? A cautious yes.

Jarhead - It's a movie about being bored in Iraq during Desert Storm. It's not boring, though, but it's every bit as foul as I'm told the real Marines are, so take that into advisement. I thought it was pretty good.
Recommended? Again, it really depends, but again, probably not.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - It was fun, but it didn't grab me the way the others did.
Recommended? Yeah.

The Ice Harvest - I didn't really care, but I wonder how many people were pissed seeing this after the previews made it look like a romping caper comedy. It's dark (which is fine by me), not that funny, and pretty lame.
Recommended? No.

The Chronicles of Narnia - Longish, but pretty good. Didn't love it, though. I'm not getting into this one; there are people who might hurt me.
Recommended? I suppose, but I'd rather watch a Harry Potter movie.

Syriana - This is a compelling and politically charged drama, if only you can figure out what the heck is going on. I couldn't, so there you go--oil has never been so confusing.
Recommended? Only if you're in MENSA. But seriously, no.

King Kong - Much too much. Take out everything before New York and maybe we'll talk. I hear there's an extended edition in the works. This is insane.
Recommended? Not particularly.

Firewall - Why do I do this to myself?
Recommended? Heavens no.

16 Blocks - Decent formulaic buddy-type action.
Recommended? If the mood strikes. It was fair enough.

The Hills Have Eyes - A family gets killed by mutants in the desert. That's pretty much it. A lot of blood and screaming and stuff. And a dog. A serviceable horror movie.
Recommended? Only if that first sentence up there sounds interesting to you.

V for Vendetta - A movie about an individual trying to bring about freedom from the totalitarian government through terrorist acts. It's adapted from a graphic novel, and it was written for the screen by the Wachowskis, which means there's slow motion. It really failed to be interesting.
Recommended? Not really. You might be better off just checking out the graphic novel.

Inside Man - This one came close to breaking the streak of un-loved movies, and I guess it could have, if I hadn't forgotten about it completely when I was getting ready to write this. It was a pretty twisty movie about a bank robbery that ended up being pretty darn engaging, but not so memorable, I guess.
Recommended? Definitely.

The Sentinel - See Firewall.
Recommended? Don't do this to yourself.

Silent Hill - Good visuals in the movie, but where it was perhaps attempting to be scary or creepy, it only managed to be gross. Also, are there any female cops ever in movies who aren't butch hardcases?
Recommended? No.

Mission Impossible III - Pretty decent. Philip Seymour Hoffman didn't get much of a chance to be his awesome self in this, though. Also, I might add that there were no motorcycle pirouettes, which is a vast improvement.
Recommended? Why not?

X-Men: The Last Stand - Um. This one, I've decided, was neither good nor bad. I just didn't care one bit, and the story they used sort of required some investment to work at all. Pretty unmemorable.
Recommended? No thanks.

A Prairie Home Companion - A sweet little movie about Garrison Keillor's radio variety show. It's less plotted and more a collection of moments, but it focuses on the impending demise of the show and the effect on the people involved. Also, an angel. This makes me want to watch more Altman movies.
Recommended? Yeah, in the right group or by yourself.

Nacho Libre - Well, it's no Napoleon Dynamite, but that's a good thing, I think. Pretty amusing in spots, especially if you see it with my brother.
Recommended? If you can get my brother to come over.

Superman Returns - Overall, a decent movie, but I had a couple issues with it. It was long, and felt like it. It didn't seem like there was a whole lot of, you know, Superman in it. And, while the idea of having very little in the way of actual superheroey fighting can be pulled off (see Unbreakable), I didn't feel like it worked here, especially in a summer "blockbuster" like this. Also, please deconstruct my heroes more.
Recommended? Yeah, but don't expect typical (maybe that's good).

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I wanted to watch the first movie again before seeing this, but I didn't get around to it. I still enjoyed it, but three years between the two may have affected my appreciation. Awesome action setpieces abound, including a swordfight on a runaway watermill. Davey Jones' and his crew were pretty fantastically conceived and implemented. I may enjoy this one more if I see it again after a refresher, but suffice to say it didn't break the curse.
Recommended? Almost certainly.

A Scanner Darkly - Rotoscoped animation combined with a sci-fi addiction story equals decent. I was worried going in, because Linklater has a tendency to let things get out of hand in a conversationally philosophical direction, but it ended up moving along at a pretty good clip. Definitely not great, but there's some interesting stuff in there.
Recommended? If you bring your thinking cap.

And that's it for the mostly good but not great movies I've seen in the theater since Serenity. I must say that if I had seen Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang in the theater, this list would have been much shorter, but alas, it was viewed on DVD. That is a definite recommendation; Hollywood noirish goodness that is quite hilarious.

Also, there's an impending DVD release that might have shortened the list if I could have seen it anywhere. I am ridiculously stoked for Brick, which will be out on DVD on August 8th. It just looks awesome, and I'm trying to lower my expectations so I don't get demolished by reality.

And so that's the end. Hope I didn't waste too much of your time.

Craaaaap.

There goes the neighborhood.

[Lost] series cocreators hint at a movie and that season three will feature more sex.

I don't even know what to say. This is bizarre.

Psst--come a little closer.

I have unearthed a frightening conspiracy and I need to tell someone before they get to me. A devious plot to drive the sales of Lucky Charms is in effect, and the whole world is in danger of inefficient spending!

My research has been limited to two boxes, but I believe they indicate a startling trend--a manipulation of the taste buds of American consumers for evil corporate profit! Here, brothers and sisters, is the essence of their foul scheme:

All the marshmallows are at the top.

Can you believe this, people of reason? General Mills is forcing the magically delicious to the top of the box so that, before you are aware, you are left with half a box of oat hunks. Magically oaty blandness--healthy in theory, but useless in reality! Where have the properly equilibriated boxes of goodness gone? They were fine until a month ago!

This must stop! We need uniform marshmallow distribution now, or this will become a debacle on par with the reformulation of Cookie Crisp!

I may not make it out alive, but I know the plight of the world has been heard by the three of you.

Godspeed.

Heck Yes!

Do yourself a favor.

I'm all a-twitter!

Anybody watch The Office?

YEEEEESSSSSS!

*ping*

It occurs to me that my neverending struggle with junk mail is a startling parallel to the Alien(s) movies. Beset by ferocious carnivores, I withdraw into a sanctuary, but ultimately some corridors remain. These, of course, are my email addresses. For many, I'm able to seal access off entirely (the designated junk accounts, which I never check), but there are still one or two corridors that I need open; my squad is still out there, and they need to get to me.

I defend my important corridors with the best in automated anti-spam gunnery and I can watch the progress of the attempted intrusion with my motion detector, but inevitably the chitinous beasts slip through. While I calmly exterminate the threat and Bill Paxton screams "game over, man!" in the corner, I know that it is only a matter of time.

Today I received a stock tip--which was very courteous of Julian Burris--in my prized personal email. Thus begins the flood of acid-blooded creatures which will drown my inbox.

Dear Comcast account, I hardly knew ye.

This is dumb, but...

I was thinking about why lipstick is called lipstick. Is it because it sticks to lips, or because it comes in stick form? I'm thinking it's probably the second, because otherwise we might be rubbing chapstick on our leather over-pants contraptions.

So true.

I can't help it if this makes me nostalgic for brand new Super Nintendo games.

i'm not crazy

Hey, check this out:

I can't wait until I'm patient.

Current events!

Well, it made me laugh.

(a little frightening that you can get it on a thong)

(also, apologies if I stole this from your blog/site/brain; I bookmarked it and couldn't remember where I got it)

(appended parenthetical)

How is that even a thing?

In an article on Yahoo! News about the escalation of mockery on American Idol (and let's not mince words--the only parts of this show worth watching are the parts which contain mockery), I came across this gem of a quote:

However, when it comes to the show's bluntness about contestants, heavy or otherwise, that's simply reality, said Peggy Howell, spokeswoman for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.

National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance? What? Do you have to be fat to work there? Seriously, with the obesity rates like they are, do you really think anyone has a problem accepting fat people?

I'm going to start some other completely unnecessary society, like the National Coalition for the Unrestricted Cultivation of Mustachios.

This just in...

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

You hared it here frist. Or scoend.