Apathy (or, an open letter to Dennis)

An inquiring mind once wrote in the comments section:

Dude, it's like May. I'm ignorant as of the current state of Jack Bauer statistics and your opinion of Spiderman 3!

Well, Dennis, if you must know, I'm holding off on compiling 24 statistics until the season's done because I've grown immensely bored with it. Not the statistics, the show. Plus, I couldn't really come up with anything funny to say every week. Perhaps I'll be better able to amuse you after these last five episodes coalesce into a giant ball of death, ridiculousness and TV-14 swears. So you'll hear about this shortly after the two-hour finale on the 21st.

Spider-Man 3 was just very much not good. I want to preface this by saying that I almost always come away with, at the very least, a neutral opinion of movies that I see. I rarely feel that a movie has been bad enough that having seen it was a waste of time. Spider-Man 3, however, came close.

I think Sam Raimi fell asleep with his face on the Overbearing Schmaltz key. You know, the one right next to Scroll Lock. Multiple times we're looking dead-on at Peter Parker crying all-out my-dog-just-died double-chin-grimace style. There's no little-kid crying in Spider-Man! For some reason, every single little bit of the everyday life stuff (the stuff that makes Spider-Man different than, say, X-Men) was unbearably dull.

I don't think the big problem was that there were too many villains, but rather that nothing was really done with any of them. Sandman was cool, but, like Dennis said, he probably could have had his own movie. He was pretty much wasted in this. Venom looked cool, but was mostly pointless. Uh... in fact, Dennis already said all of this. Goblin was okay, but probably mostly because James Franco brings back warm fuzzy Freaks and Geeks memories.

Don't even get me started on the horrible, horrible, final-act Exposition Butler. Oh, this was unforgivable. Here's a hint to movie-makers from someone who will consume nearly every piece of cinema you put out there: when you are using a previously unseen butler to steer your plot in a different direction, you need to throw away your script and start over. Do it.

Two more thoughts:

1) How in the world did Bryce Dallas Howard come from this guy? And have this guy as an uncle? HOW?

2) Dennis, you better watch yourself. I hear if you make fun of Bruce Campell, or any scene he's in, his chin comes and kills you while you're asleep.

It should also amuse you to know that I'm so lazy and apathetic that I started this post 5 days ago and am just now finishing it.

Shooter

I saw Shooter today and it was a decent movie. A little on the long side for a silly action movie, but overall pretty entertaining. Here are two reasons why guys will like this movie:

1) Deep down, all guys want to be a sniper.
2) Deep down, all guys want to be Mark Wahlberg.

Also, things blow up. In a horribly embarassing name-drop incident, the bad guys, who are supposedly high up in government / conspiracy stuff, mention that Google Maps places one location 3 blocks from another location. Why would government-ish personnel, likely with access to FBI databases, use Google Maps? If this is the future of advertising, I am very freaked out.

Meanwhile, it's come to my attention that I can no longer tolerate Danny Glover.

300

I saw 300 yesterday and it was pretty decent. Not fantastic, not a huge letdown. The battle sequences were very well done, particularly the long tracking shots with crazy dynamic zooming and speed-shifting. My brother Nick heard that they did the zooming stuff by shooting with three cameras at the same time on a special rig, which just sounds way neat. The visuals were all really well done. I think this might be my favorite stylized (as opposed to realistic) CGI achievement yet--yes, I think it looks cooler than Sky Captain.

Other than a gag-worthy inspirational speech by the Spartan Queen, I thought the movie was altogether pretty good, but someone should give the guys that made the trailer an award.

They may be on to something here

Like most other creatures with a Y chromosome, I am eagerly awaiting the release of 300 next week. Battle sequences, slow motion, screaming "Sparta!", slow motion, wicked-looking visuals and slow motion all just tug at my innermost caveman impulses. It looks so insane I want to see it opening night with a lot of people there--which, if you know me, you know I never do.

It wasn't until I was watching Leno last night and I heard the women screaming as Gerard Butler (who plays King Leonidas) walked on stage that I realized that the chicks are going to dig this movie too. The movie is full of half-naked Spartan man candy. Who cares if it's all slow motion battles, right?

This movie is going to gross more than Titanic.

If the movie does suck, though, other film distributors should take note and hire the folks that did the trailers for this one. Now that's a trailer.

A Grave Injustice

Ghost Rider's weekend box office gross: $51.5 million

What is wrong with you people?

Smash a teenager in 20 steps!

I caught the end of Final Destination 3 (3!) last night and as I was watching, I hashed out the plot for a prequel movie. It occurred to me that the convoluted deaths in these movies are just like the Rube Goldberg machines we made in physics class in high school, except in this case there are no coins flipped but sometimes somebody might get a sheet of plate glass dropped on them.

(I am fully aware, of course, that the Rube Goldberg idea is not new [probably because it's so dang obvious], as a Google of "final destination" "rube goldberg" turned up 920 hits. I'm not trying to claim originality here.)

So here's my idea: Rube Goldberg dies in 1970, at the ripe old age of 87. When he gets to the pearly gates, he gets hired on by the Angel of Death as the Traveling Assistant to the Angel of Death. The movie could be about Rube's coming of age as the Traveling Assistant to the Angel of Death, with all sorts of hilarious hijinx naturally following as Rube learns his job. At first, he resists the job, claiming he just wants to flip light switches. He'd have to bear heckling from Death's other assistants about his bizarre methods and then get a pep talk from St. Paul about perseverance. By the film's end, of course, he'll be much better than the Angel of Death at getting the job done. So every time Death screws up and people get away, Rube gets up off the bench and takes care of business.

Just think about that next time you're watching Final Destination and you witness another Goldbergian demise: Rube's up there, pulling the levers and figuring out how to smash a teenager in 20 steps.

This is old news, but...

I just remembered that the next Die Hard movie is going to be called Live Free or Die Hard (link).

Seriously?

Granted, this is from the minds that brought us Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Die Hard: With a Vengeance, but this new name sounds like a Steven Seagal movie. I wonder if anyone at the production company (or whoever names these things) actually thinks this name sounds cool. Every time I hear it, I think of Steven Seagal running, which is very laughsome.

And speaking of Seagal, since everyone has stopped paying attention to him, he's gotten prolific. Dude made 10 movies in the 90s, and in the (nearly) 7 years this decade, he's made 15 (with 4 more in production right now). Seven of those are straight to video, which goes along with nobody paying attention to him, but 15 movies? That's nuts. How does he keep getting funding for these?

This is brilliant.

How awesome is that?

Regarding entertainment

I feel like it's been a really long time since I've loved a movie I've seen at the theater. In fact, since Serenity in September '05, I've seen 23 films in the theater and nothing's come close to my enjoyment of that gem. This is probably just because I'm a nerd, but what are you going to do? I've seen a lot of decent flicks, but here's a list in chronological order:

A History of Violence - Well, it's violent. I guess it's supposed to be an examination of the effects of violence on the people around us, and the potential of violent acts to be seen as heroic. Pretty brutal, and other than being shocking, a little un-pointed.
Recommended? It really depends, but probably not.

Domino - No. Just... no. Tony Scott, why have you forsaken me?
Recommended? No. Just... no.

The Weather Man - Hey, a movie about a screw-up screwing up! It's a pretty dismal semi-comedy, but as I recall, I enjoyed it.
Recommended? A cautious yes.

Jarhead - It's a movie about being bored in Iraq during Desert Storm. It's not boring, though, but it's every bit as foul as I'm told the real Marines are, so take that into advisement. I thought it was pretty good.
Recommended? Again, it really depends, but again, probably not.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - It was fun, but it didn't grab me the way the others did.
Recommended? Yeah.

The Ice Harvest - I didn't really care, but I wonder how many people were pissed seeing this after the previews made it look like a romping caper comedy. It's dark (which is fine by me), not that funny, and pretty lame.
Recommended? No.

The Chronicles of Narnia - Longish, but pretty good. Didn't love it, though. I'm not getting into this one; there are people who might hurt me.
Recommended? I suppose, but I'd rather watch a Harry Potter movie.

Syriana - This is a compelling and politically charged drama, if only you can figure out what the heck is going on. I couldn't, so there you go--oil has never been so confusing.
Recommended? Only if you're in MENSA. But seriously, no.

King Kong - Much too much. Take out everything before New York and maybe we'll talk. I hear there's an extended edition in the works. This is insane.
Recommended? Not particularly.

Firewall - Why do I do this to myself?
Recommended? Heavens no.

16 Blocks - Decent formulaic buddy-type action.
Recommended? If the mood strikes. It was fair enough.

The Hills Have Eyes - A family gets killed by mutants in the desert. That's pretty much it. A lot of blood and screaming and stuff. And a dog. A serviceable horror movie.
Recommended? Only if that first sentence up there sounds interesting to you.

V for Vendetta - A movie about an individual trying to bring about freedom from the totalitarian government through terrorist acts. It's adapted from a graphic novel, and it was written for the screen by the Wachowskis, which means there's slow motion. It really failed to be interesting.
Recommended? Not really. You might be better off just checking out the graphic novel.

Inside Man - This one came close to breaking the streak of un-loved movies, and I guess it could have, if I hadn't forgotten about it completely when I was getting ready to write this. It was a pretty twisty movie about a bank robbery that ended up being pretty darn engaging, but not so memorable, I guess.
Recommended? Definitely.

The Sentinel - See Firewall.
Recommended? Don't do this to yourself.

Silent Hill - Good visuals in the movie, but where it was perhaps attempting to be scary or creepy, it only managed to be gross. Also, are there any female cops ever in movies who aren't butch hardcases?
Recommended? No.

Mission Impossible III - Pretty decent. Philip Seymour Hoffman didn't get much of a chance to be his awesome self in this, though. Also, I might add that there were no motorcycle pirouettes, which is a vast improvement.
Recommended? Why not?

X-Men: The Last Stand - Um. This one, I've decided, was neither good nor bad. I just didn't care one bit, and the story they used sort of required some investment to work at all. Pretty unmemorable.
Recommended? No thanks.

A Prairie Home Companion - A sweet little movie about Garrison Keillor's radio variety show. It's less plotted and more a collection of moments, but it focuses on the impending demise of the show and the effect on the people involved. Also, an angel. This makes me want to watch more Altman movies.
Recommended? Yeah, in the right group or by yourself.

Nacho Libre - Well, it's no Napoleon Dynamite, but that's a good thing, I think. Pretty amusing in spots, especially if you see it with my brother.
Recommended? If you can get my brother to come over.

Superman Returns - Overall, a decent movie, but I had a couple issues with it. It was long, and felt like it. It didn't seem like there was a whole lot of, you know, Superman in it. And, while the idea of having very little in the way of actual superheroey fighting can be pulled off (see Unbreakable), I didn't feel like it worked here, especially in a summer "blockbuster" like this. Also, please deconstruct my heroes more.
Recommended? Yeah, but don't expect typical (maybe that's good).

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I wanted to watch the first movie again before seeing this, but I didn't get around to it. I still enjoyed it, but three years between the two may have affected my appreciation. Awesome action setpieces abound, including a swordfight on a runaway watermill. Davey Jones' and his crew were pretty fantastically conceived and implemented. I may enjoy this one more if I see it again after a refresher, but suffice to say it didn't break the curse.
Recommended? Almost certainly.

A Scanner Darkly - Rotoscoped animation combined with a sci-fi addiction story equals decent. I was worried going in, because Linklater has a tendency to let things get out of hand in a conversationally philosophical direction, but it ended up moving along at a pretty good clip. Definitely not great, but there's some interesting stuff in there.
Recommended? If you bring your thinking cap.

And that's it for the mostly good but not great movies I've seen in the theater since Serenity. I must say that if I had seen Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang in the theater, this list would have been much shorter, but alas, it was viewed on DVD. That is a definite recommendation; Hollywood noirish goodness that is quite hilarious.

Also, there's an impending DVD release that might have shortened the list if I could have seen it anywhere. I am ridiculously stoked for Brick, which will be out on DVD on August 8th. It just looks awesome, and I'm trying to lower my expectations so I don't get demolished by reality.

And so that's the end. Hope I didn't waste too much of your time.

Heck Yes!

Do yourself a favor.