Apathy (or, an open letter to Dennis)

An inquiring mind once wrote in the comments section:

Dude, it's like May. I'm ignorant as of the current state of Jack Bauer statistics and your opinion of Spiderman 3!

Well, Dennis, if you must know, I'm holding off on compiling 24 statistics until the season's done because I've grown immensely bored with it. Not the statistics, the show. Plus, I couldn't really come up with anything funny to say every week. Perhaps I'll be better able to amuse you after these last five episodes coalesce into a giant ball of death, ridiculousness and TV-14 swears. So you'll hear about this shortly after the two-hour finale on the 21st.

Spider-Man 3 was just very much not good. I want to preface this by saying that I almost always come away with, at the very least, a neutral opinion of movies that I see. I rarely feel that a movie has been bad enough that having seen it was a waste of time. Spider-Man 3, however, came close.

I think Sam Raimi fell asleep with his face on the Overbearing Schmaltz key. You know, the one right next to Scroll Lock. Multiple times we're looking dead-on at Peter Parker crying all-out my-dog-just-died double-chin-grimace style. There's no little-kid crying in Spider-Man! For some reason, every single little bit of the everyday life stuff (the stuff that makes Spider-Man different than, say, X-Men) was unbearably dull.

I don't think the big problem was that there were too many villains, but rather that nothing was really done with any of them. Sandman was cool, but, like Dennis said, he probably could have had his own movie. He was pretty much wasted in this. Venom looked cool, but was mostly pointless. Uh... in fact, Dennis already said all of this. Goblin was okay, but probably mostly because James Franco brings back warm fuzzy Freaks and Geeks memories.

Don't even get me started on the horrible, horrible, final-act Exposition Butler. Oh, this was unforgivable. Here's a hint to movie-makers from someone who will consume nearly every piece of cinema you put out there: when you are using a previously unseen butler to steer your plot in a different direction, you need to throw away your script and start over. Do it.

Two more thoughts:

1) How in the world did Bryce Dallas Howard come from this guy? And have this guy as an uncle? HOW?

2) Dennis, you better watch yourself. I hear if you make fun of Bruce Campell, or any scene he's in, his chin comes and kills you while you're asleep.

It should also amuse you to know that I'm so lazy and apathetic that I started this post 5 days ago and am just now finishing it.