The Out-of-Text Retcon

Retcon is short for retroactive continuity, which basically means that something stated later on alters events that already occurred, sometimes completely. It tends to come up fairly often in comic books, but there are tons of other examples in the Wikipedia article linked to there.

What got me thinking about this was that J.K. Rowling "revealed" this week that Dumbledore was gay. You know what? I don't care if he was gay. The sexuality of old men wasn't really a topic that was explored by the books themselves. This is going to have a lot of people up in arms, but it doesn't actually matter at all because Rowling took the wussy way out. What bothers me isn't that she's made this decision about Dumbledore's character, but the fact that she didn't put it in the freaking books.

In a text chock-full of gradual revelation of plot-changing details, much of which falls under the retcon heading, why shy away from one more? Is it to avoid getting the book banned in more locations? I don't know. It just bothers me that an author who is so widely read can change everybody's perception about her story without using legitimate means to make that change. It feels very cheap.

I'll be interested to see how this affects the next movie. I wonder if Michael Gambon will try to play swishy. I wonder if he can play swishy.

Ultra-fresh!

Like everything I post worth checking out, this one came from Digg. A couple of observations: Does it seem to you that every video you see on Youtube has a 4-star rating? Also, this really makes me want to listen to some Apocalyptica. It still amuses me to no end to know that something like Apocalyptica exists and is actually awesome.

You know what I hate?

I hate the idea of those tall paperbacks they're selling now. They're the same width as normal mass market paperbacks, but just taller. They represent a threat to the uniform height of the bookshelf contents. It's bad enough that I have to deal with the spine colors not matching; now I have to step carefully on online purchases, checking the dimensions to make sure they're not freak books. Do these tall books represent some sort of increased readability? Less page turns? There has to be some reason to turn your back on reason and handsomely level bookshelves. Or is it just insanity?

I guess I'll just have to get everything leather-bound.

Aw man!

Now that the final Harry Potter book has been leaked in its entirety, I have to avoid the internet until I can finish the thing on sunday. Not that it will affect this blog much.

Ha ha.

GRAGHRRAGH!

In its infinite wisdom, The CW has seen fit not to include Veronica Mars on its fall schedule, which basically means it's cancelled.

May the network perish in a fiery inferno that burns with the brightness of justice satisfied.

Musical extravaganza!

Here's a couple of music-related youtube videos that I think you'll enjoy.

Flight of the Conchords, formerly New Zealand's fourth-most popular folk parody duo, is pretty funny:



That one came via Jordan via Seth via who knows where. There are more here.

I may lose Man Points over this one, but I really dig on this one. It's Imogen Heap and this funky looping gadget recreating an entire electronic song live. I think it's righteous that there are talented people performing in that genre and that she can do her stuff live without just singing over samples. I love her voice and the layering in the song is very well done. Yay.



That one was from Digg, and I thoroughly dugg it. (NINJA EDIT) I just wanted to update this to say that, while I enjoy her music, she scares the crap out of me and I think I'd run away from her in real life. (/NINJA EDIT)

And in case you haven't laughed at something ridiculous today, here's a guy playing the Legend of Zelda theme on an 11-string bass.



I can just imagine this guy buying a bass:

Guy's Friend: Hey, man, look at all these 4-, 5- and 6-string basses. Certainly they must be enough for every possible bassing configuration!
Guy: Oooh, look at that one.
Guy's Friend: That's ridiculous!
Guy: This one goes to eleven.
Guy's Friend: But why not just buy a 5-string and a 6-string? What's the point in having 11 strings all on one bass?
Guy: This one goes to eleven.

I hope he does other stuff on that bass besides just tap. You may as well buy a piano or a dulcimer if you're gonna play like that.

This concludes the musical extravaganza. I hope you were completely extravaganzed.

Apathy (or, an open letter to Dennis)

An inquiring mind once wrote in the comments section:

Dude, it's like May. I'm ignorant as of the current state of Jack Bauer statistics and your opinion of Spiderman 3!

Well, Dennis, if you must know, I'm holding off on compiling 24 statistics until the season's done because I've grown immensely bored with it. Not the statistics, the show. Plus, I couldn't really come up with anything funny to say every week. Perhaps I'll be better able to amuse you after these last five episodes coalesce into a giant ball of death, ridiculousness and TV-14 swears. So you'll hear about this shortly after the two-hour finale on the 21st.

Spider-Man 3 was just very much not good. I want to preface this by saying that I almost always come away with, at the very least, a neutral opinion of movies that I see. I rarely feel that a movie has been bad enough that having seen it was a waste of time. Spider-Man 3, however, came close.

I think Sam Raimi fell asleep with his face on the Overbearing Schmaltz key. You know, the one right next to Scroll Lock. Multiple times we're looking dead-on at Peter Parker crying all-out my-dog-just-died double-chin-grimace style. There's no little-kid crying in Spider-Man! For some reason, every single little bit of the everyday life stuff (the stuff that makes Spider-Man different than, say, X-Men) was unbearably dull.

I don't think the big problem was that there were too many villains, but rather that nothing was really done with any of them. Sandman was cool, but, like Dennis said, he probably could have had his own movie. He was pretty much wasted in this. Venom looked cool, but was mostly pointless. Uh... in fact, Dennis already said all of this. Goblin was okay, but probably mostly because James Franco brings back warm fuzzy Freaks and Geeks memories.

Don't even get me started on the horrible, horrible, final-act Exposition Butler. Oh, this was unforgivable. Here's a hint to movie-makers from someone who will consume nearly every piece of cinema you put out there: when you are using a previously unseen butler to steer your plot in a different direction, you need to throw away your script and start over. Do it.

Two more thoughts:

1) How in the world did Bryce Dallas Howard come from this guy? And have this guy as an uncle? HOW?

2) Dennis, you better watch yourself. I hear if you make fun of Bruce Campell, or any scene he's in, his chin comes and kills you while you're asleep.

It should also amuse you to know that I'm so lazy and apathetic that I started this post 5 days ago and am just now finishing it.

Shiny

This might be way old news, but this guy's photographs are just amazing. If you need new wallpapers for your desktop, check it out. Just hit the "previous" button in the upper right to go back, or go to his archive.

Very, very nice.

Jack Bauer wants to blow himself up (episode 19)

Sorry it took so long. I'm sure you were waiting with bated breath. Bated!

Jack slew two villians this week at a botched hostage/Russian military chip swap which, if "successful", would have meant Jack blowing himself up, along with uncountable Chinese dudes. Whew. (Would he get credit for killing himself?) You know, it seems like when Jack's suicide/hostage swap plot is foiled, the very least I should expect is one "DAMMIT!" This is getting disappointing. We did, however, have one "DAMMIT!" back at CTU.

This brings our season totals up to:
Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 24 (!!!!)
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 23
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 11

Which leaves us with these season averages:
JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 1.263
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.211
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.579

My buddies Seth and Chrissy realized 24 was on about 10 minutes into it, asked each other if they wanted to watch, and both said, "meh." I'm starting to feel that way too. I just can't muster the enthusiasm for this after 5.79 seasons of this. There's always statistics, though.

Jack Bauer takes the night off (episode 18)

Jack Bauer decided not to accrue any statistics tonight, and when Jack Bauer decides not to accrue statistics, you let him.

One "DAMMIT!" from Chloe. Guess that's it.

This brings our season totals up to:
Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 22
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 22
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 11

Which leaves us with these season averages:
JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 1.222
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.222
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.611

Yep.

Vegas, baby!

Well, now I'm actually off to Vegas. See you Tuesday.

American Airlines blows most heartily

Our 6PM flight to Vegas just got cancelled. Now we're not going out until late friday night and I have to go in to work tomorrow and friday. SIGH.

Jack Bauer Kills Everyone (episode 17)

Sweet sassy molassey, Jack's been busy. He said the coveted "DAMMIT!" twice. In addition to "killing" two guys in an elaborate ruse, Jack killed six actual people last night. He was like some sort of truck-transmitted terrorist epidemic, taking suckers out with one shot while they sprayed their ineffectual AKs all over the place. Four evil bad guys were taken out with the pistol, while he snapped another dude's neck and strangled the main Skeletor-looking bad guy with a winch chain.

Says Jack to emaciated terrorist Fayed: "Say hello to your brother."

I wanted so badly for him to add "...IN HELL."

This brings our season totals up to:
Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 22
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 21
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 11

Which leaves us with these season averages:

JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 1.294
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.235
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.647

The show is ridiculous, but that's why we love it.

The Jack Attack Stat Pack (episode 16)

Two kills, no "DAMMIT!"s.

This brings our season totals up to:
Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 16
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 19
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 9

Which leaves us with these season averages:

JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 1.0
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.188
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.563

Sigh. Even for 24, this episode was pretty ridiculous. You get the President out of his coma to prevent the evil Vice President from nuking a Middle-Eastern country, which he does, at first, only to have him reverse policy and decide to go ahead and do it anyway, just because. Since when do you show terrorists a lesson by nuking a country? What the heck?

Oh, and the political-correctness-motivated non-identification of the terrorists' home country is so very absurd. It's been bizarre to watch the writers try to work around naming a country to avoid offending people. It's just a silly TV show. Offend someone already.

UPDATE:
Chrissy beat me to the punch on the bewilderment. Just giving credit where credit is due.

The Jack Bauer Rundown, episode 15

Now we're talking!

Jack was personally responsible for two deaths in this episode: the critically wounded guy from last time ("he didn't make it.") and another unnamed Russian terrorist. In addition, Jack was the source of two of the episode's three "DAMMIT!"s. Very productive!

This brings our season totals up to:
Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 14
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 19
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 9

Which leaves us with these season averages:

JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 0.933
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.267
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.6

Increases in all categories! Jack used a developmentally disabled guy to trap a terrorist in this episode. I'm not sure if this is completely consistent with his style, or a new low.

Either way, until next time: doot - deet - doot - deet - doot - deet

Shooter

I saw Shooter today and it was a decent movie. A little on the long side for a silly action movie, but overall pretty entertaining. Here are two reasons why guys will like this movie:

1) Deep down, all guys want to be a sniper.
2) Deep down, all guys want to be Mark Wahlberg.

Also, things blow up. In a horribly embarassing name-drop incident, the bad guys, who are supposedly high up in government / conspiracy stuff, mention that Google Maps places one location 3 blocks from another location. Why would government-ish personnel, likely with access to FBI databases, use Google Maps? If this is the future of advertising, I am very freaked out.

Meanwhile, it's come to my attention that I can no longer tolerate Danny Glover.

Reverse psychology

There's a warning page in the instruction manual for the DVD burner I just bought, and on this warning page it says the following:

"Removing the cover may cause exposure to harmful laser beams and electrical voltage."

To be honest, this really makes me want to open it up.

The Jack Bauer Rundown, episode 14

Exciting stuff!

It should please you to know that Jack Bauer killed 2 people in this episode (with one more left critically wounded) and 1 "DAMMIT!" was spewed forth, though not by the quieter-than-normal Jack.

This brings our season totals up to:
Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 12
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 16
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 7

Which leaves us with these season averages:

JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 0.857
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.143
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.5

Things are moving along briskly. Jack still needs to pick up his "DAMMIT!" production to be up to snuff, but he's increased fatalities by 14% on the season in just one episode. It should also be noted that Jack saved San Francisco from a nuclear weapon by flying a remote control plane!

Awesome.

Grumpsville, Population: Me

Veronica Mars looks to be either cancelled or undergoing a revamping which would be set in her freshman year at the FBI Academy (source - of shoddy repute to be sure). Seriously; if people wouldn't watch the fantastic thing that the show is now, why would they tune into a CSI Junior?

Woe is me.

The Jack Bauer Rundown

Since the beginning of the 6th season of 24, I've been keeping track of some key statistics. We're already 13 episodes in, so I'm a little behind the times, but we'll get everything up to date here and then there'll be weekly updates.

24 can pretty much be boiled down to two major components:
1) Jack Bauer laying waste to mortal men
2) Someone (usually Jack) saying (usually screaming) "DAMMIT!"

Because these two factors are so important, these have been my statistics. I've been keeping track of Jack's kills and instances of "DAMMIT!" Additionally, there will be season averages presented: JBKpH - Jack Bauer Kills per Hour, DpH - "DAMMIT!"s per Hour and JBDpH - Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour. It was difficult deciding whether extra kills should be awarded in extremely awesome situations; say, for instance, Jack tears a man's throat out with his mouth (first episode, baby!). I decided to say a kill is a kill and keep it simple.

Without further ado, here are the statistics so far:

Total Jack Bauer-caused fatalities: 10
Total utterances of "DAMMIT!": 15
Total Jack Bauer-uttered "DAMMIT!"s: 7

Which leaves us with these season averages:

JBKpH (Jack Bauer Kills per Hour): 0.769
DpH ("DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 1.154
JBDpH (Jack Bauer "DAMMIT!"s per Hour): 0.538

With Jack accounting for less than half of the "DAMMIT!"s, I'm left a little astounded. We'll see what happens. Other than that, I have no idea what to make of these numbers.

300

I saw 300 yesterday and it was pretty decent. Not fantastic, not a huge letdown. The battle sequences were very well done, particularly the long tracking shots with crazy dynamic zooming and speed-shifting. My brother Nick heard that they did the zooming stuff by shooting with three cameras at the same time on a special rig, which just sounds way neat. The visuals were all really well done. I think this might be my favorite stylized (as opposed to realistic) CGI achievement yet--yes, I think it looks cooler than Sky Captain.

Other than a gag-worthy inspirational speech by the Spartan Queen, I thought the movie was altogether pretty good, but someone should give the guys that made the trailer an award.

Zach's Facts!

Cockburn is the worst last name ever.

That is all.

They may be on to something here

Like most other creatures with a Y chromosome, I am eagerly awaiting the release of 300 next week. Battle sequences, slow motion, screaming "Sparta!", slow motion, wicked-looking visuals and slow motion all just tug at my innermost caveman impulses. It looks so insane I want to see it opening night with a lot of people there--which, if you know me, you know I never do.

It wasn't until I was watching Leno last night and I heard the women screaming as Gerard Butler (who plays King Leonidas) walked on stage that I realized that the chicks are going to dig this movie too. The movie is full of half-naked Spartan man candy. Who cares if it's all slow motion battles, right?

This movie is going to gross more than Titanic.

If the movie does suck, though, other film distributors should take note and hire the folks that did the trailers for this one. Now that's a trailer.

A Grave Injustice

Ghost Rider's weekend box office gross: $51.5 million

What is wrong with you people?

Nuts.

Well, my boy Sean Michel didn't make it through tonight's American Idol cuts. He made it through the first series, but got axed during the group sing thing. Didn't even get to see him sing. Nuts. Anyway, here's a link to his band's myspace page. I guess that's almost as good.

Smash a teenager in 20 steps!

I caught the end of Final Destination 3 (3!) last night and as I was watching, I hashed out the plot for a prequel movie. It occurred to me that the convoluted deaths in these movies are just like the Rube Goldberg machines we made in physics class in high school, except in this case there are no coins flipped but sometimes somebody might get a sheet of plate glass dropped on them.

(I am fully aware, of course, that the Rube Goldberg idea is not new [probably because it's so dang obvious], as a Google of "final destination" "rube goldberg" turned up 920 hits. I'm not trying to claim originality here.)

So here's my idea: Rube Goldberg dies in 1970, at the ripe old age of 87. When he gets to the pearly gates, he gets hired on by the Angel of Death as the Traveling Assistant to the Angel of Death. The movie could be about Rube's coming of age as the Traveling Assistant to the Angel of Death, with all sorts of hilarious hijinx naturally following as Rube learns his job. At first, he resists the job, claiming he just wants to flip light switches. He'd have to bear heckling from Death's other assistants about his bizarre methods and then get a pep talk from St. Paul about perseverance. By the film's end, of course, he'll be much better than the Angel of Death at getting the job done. So every time Death screws up and people get away, Rube gets up off the bench and takes care of business.

Just think about that next time you're watching Final Destination and you witness another Goldbergian demise: Rube's up there, pulling the levers and figuring out how to smash a teenager in 20 steps.

Eccentrostatic

It's so dry here in these sub-zero temperatures that today at work I was brutally shocked on the lip by a cubicle wall. That'll teach me.

Grumble grumble

Stupid Bears.

There's a first time for everything

I may have to watch more than just the first auditions on American Idol this year, if only to see how this guy does:



(updated 3/4 for youtube's video sabotage)

So cool.